No reason for that title other than I have a couple of minutes to blog. Busy day. I was re-reading my blog and realized how I mispelled some main words. I better change them before my mother sees. ..............Kaylee keeps having accidents and can't make it to the potty. Now on top of my other duties I am back to cleaning pee again. She is continuing to crack me up. She said,'I dont' want to be a loser." She shook her head the entire time. She told me today,'Mommy you are getting better at driving.' The other day she told me I needed lessons. My kids always bring up embarassing things in front of others. ie;got stuck in the flower bed. etc............We are off to the beach than to my parents for dinner. I miss them. My brother is back from Spain with his family. I look forward to seeing them. ...........It is confirmed I am doing the Emmy's and I am super excited. There is also some other great things with my business happening. I am saying,"Thank you God.' I needed this. I have done a huge turn around from my mood the other day. I am lucky my sad/bad moods only usually last a day. I had no where else to go but up. That is the good thing about bad days-you are so happy when they are gone...................Last night we all watched the movie,"August Rush." What an amazing movie. I was envying their talent and acting abilities all the while I was enjoying the show. I had the goosebumps and my kids did as well. It was a nice family bonding time. It is all about following ones heartstrings. I am still trying to figure out what mine are.

Everything is always better in the morning. I had a good night's sleep and cleansed yesterday. I got really down in the dumps but I figured out-I do that about once every two months-I am not just talking hurt or bummed, I mean really sad. It only lasts a day and then I start to bounce back. I guess it could be much worse. I wish I could shut off my mind that constantly thinks and goes to so many different places. I had a bit of another insite though-I was watching a great movie with my family. It was about these orphans. I was thinking that despite being blessed in many ways, with or without my extremely sentimental sensitive heart, that I would not have had the luxory to think so much if I only had to think about survival. I have heard about that but it never really dawned on me or was so clear. So I guess feeling sad or being in the dumps is somewhat of a luxory to have the time to do so.................Kaylee continues to crack me up. I just want to freeze her. We took a bath together and played Polly pockets (which is somewhat tortuous). I enjoy other things we do more than that. I even remember as a child getting bored with Barbies-they can only do so much. I just wanted their house to look good and for them to have the rockin clothes. Since my mind was in such a investigative mood-I was thinking by praising my kids so much and loving that they are still little, am I giving them the message that not growing up is good. Did I get that message? I am not sure but I love them inside and out but I do also love that they are little. Wills said to me yesterday,"Do you love them more because they are little?" I said,"No.' I absolutely adore Wills but he is much more complicated. He does not sit still long enough for me to really hug him. I am needing some one on one time with each child-I can feel it. We have two more weeks of summer and lots to do and a lot of fun to have but I think I can manage that. I feel the urge to organize my entire house. I also have been feeling that I have been doing somethings half assed and need to put the energy in to so I can get the success I want. These thoughts came out of my funk so maybe it was a good thing. I was looking at Jac when he hurt himself the other day, and looking in to his eyes and I thought,"How can I let him Know how much I love him?" HOw can I make sure that I always stop what I am doing and give him my full attention? How can I listen everytime he talks or say's something. For example, or not a good example-when we were watching the movie last night-He kept on biting his apple and asking me to guess if and where he bit it. It was okay the first five times but then I wanted to watch the movie. It is funny when I get short tempered with Kaylee she say's,"Mommy there is no need to get angry." That little pistol..................Today we are going to meet for our exersize project and then hit the beach. After that I want to go visit my friend's new baby and go see my parents. ..............oh and I saw a "fat" picture of me and that bummed me out to. I am not sure if it was the shot but for certain since I have not been doing gravity my arms have lost some definition and from vino I am not as firm-that was all i needed=Not for long!!! INfact I did gravity yesterday and my muscles burned. I loved it!

That is how I want to spell my name in my next life. I want to change that along with a lot of other things.I told Jean I wanted to change the spelling now and she just thinks that is further along in my mid life crisis. Jean is like the good conscious for me. She is like a fifties housewife who gets all her joy, or most of it from taking care of her kids. I mean this in the highest regards. I wish I was more like her. I mean most people describe me as being very domestic but I don't love all of it. I certainly notice the areas that I am weak at. I love to cook, play with, outdoor activities, paint and kiss them one million times from head to toe-We all know that I don't like cleaning> I like decorating but the main thing I need to recognize or accept, one or the other-is that I have a need for something else. Whether that is learning something new, taking a class, a new challenge, a new friendship etc. I wish I was more simple and content but that has never been my style. As much as I look at others and admire certain missing qualities in me, I need to honor how God made me. Ofcourse we all need to grow, learn and do tuneups...............So far Kaylee has shown me how to Hop with a sock on her foot, how Princesses barf and screamed at Jac that Wills was just protecting him, when he punched him. She is a riot. ............In regards to our vacation. It was great. It is nice to be home although I have that feeling that I have so much to do and I dont' know where to start but at the same time I am tired, and need a break, and am overwhelmed. I did make it to the gym for a good gravity class which I needed. I am not feeling that fit. Actually I am not feeling that good about anything in myself or on myself lately. I am having an insecurity complex. Not sure if it has to do with ovulating and hormones but I think so. Why does it seem that if it is not one thing it is another-but all related to hormones. I hate those suckers.!!! It is best for me to just not do too much thinking when they are in town and renting out my body. They make me feel envious, jealous and all those bad things. I know it is only temporary but geeze. I wish I had a hotel to check in to when I felt like this............On a more possitive note. I am meeting with Melanie Ham and a producer about our video. I am excited about it. I need to put energy in to good things. I could also use a good session with a therapist. ...................back to our trip to Disneyland. What in the world was I thinking? It was one hundred degrees, and more populated than China. I was bumping in to people and after the one hundreth time I did not say excuse me. I was so irritated and I drive a stroller the way I drive, so you can imagine how much I pissed others off. I knew it was a bad time to go )summer) but I wanted to take the kids there. I was walking around mumbling "this is not the happiest place on earth but the most miserable." But-there is a happy ending (that kind to) ha ha. After the sun went down a bit, we did some fun things. The parade was amazing and worth the trip in itself. Kaylee and I waited in line for two hours for her to meet her favorite princesses. Thank God it was worth it. Ofcourse Kaylee charmed the pants off all of them. She was sitting with Cinderella for 30 minutes, then she took her over to Pokahontus, then Aurura came and Snow White. They were all sitting around Kaylee mesmerized with how this little girl could talk so well and say the funniest things. I had tears in my eyes and that in itself was so worth all the discomfort. She is on cloud nine and acting like I did when I met Oprah. I will post some pictures. The photographer said he has never seen all the princesses make such a fuss over a little girl. That Cinderella was so nurturing and sweet. I practically fell in love with how gentle she was. It brought me back to being a child, with all that innoscense and dreams. Kaylee also is still talking like a teenager and told me that I should not go on the pooh ride because she was SERIOUS, It would freak me out." Ha. okay...................ON the flip side of this-as far as I can flip-watched the documentry on Jana Jamison last night. I was repulsed but I could not stop watching. The entire time I was saying,"She is so self centered,' but I was mesmerized by her and her confidence and how bold she was about sex. I did not like how they glorified what she does, because I do not agree with that one bit. So that is Mother THeresa signing off...........ha

At Disney, kicking in the hotel room, my favorite thing to do-ordering room service. Our room overlooks the entire park. I am reading mags, and books, drinking coffee and watching the morning show. I want to do a bit of exersize before hitting the park-ahh the sound of silence...............I keep getting heck from people for talking about my sexual dreams, toughts, antics so I think I better cut back. The only ones that want me to turn it up a knotch are two of my friend's husbands. Ha...............I had another dream about my father last night. I was doing Victor's job and holding my father up. I remember kissing him and thinking even though this is so hard it was worth it and he is my father-the Dad I know and Love, who has just changed a bit. I was trying to hard to help him get steady on a chair. I have tears in my eyes right now thinking of it. I love him so much. I have had a great vacation but had some anxious thoughts. I dont' know why my mind always tries to interfere with my fun and peace. I guess it is just because when I am feeling content and Happy, I want to remind myself that it is short lived and to appreciate it.....................Well my coffee is getting cold so I better run. Tons of memories have been flashing in my mind that I want to write about but will when I return. Adios.